I'm Paranoid and I Hate it

I'd like to preface this post by saying that I firmly believe that not all cops are bad. I'd also like to point out that it's obvious not all people are bad so me having to preface any of this is in part due to my paranoia.

While the topic of race as slowly turned me into race debate apologist. I must point out I am a 29 year old, black male, who lives in South Florida.  I hate how much race is dominating conversation during a time where we have a new generation 60 years remove segregated restaurants and bathrooms and following a 2 year term by our first black president.  This kids don't give a fuck about race. But I digress and it's too early for that.

In my 29 years I've had my share of encounters with the police. Some warranted (when I say warranted I mean I committed a traffic violation) and some unsolicited interactions that left me feeling some type of way, paranoid. I always left each interaction having more questions than answers.  Was I really speeding? Did I not stop long enough at the stop sign?  Just trying to give whomever the officer was the benefit of the doubt.  To me, I can't live in a world knowing I create the world around me, that allows me to believe that I'm really being pulled over because of my pigmentation. I refuse to believe that shit.  But, it doesn't make me any less paranoid.

I feel as human beings we are products of our environment whether we like it or not. That isn't to say we can't deviate from the norms of the environment or perhaps even influence change within it.  But in order to deviate from norms or influence change, there was still something within our environment that causes us to do so. The circumstances within our environment either motivate us to get out, get comfortable or break us. Why does any of this shit matter? Well, perception becomes reality. The more we see something the more real it becomes, to us.

So as a young black male with a lack of criminal history, a college degree and a career that requires that I not only educate our future leaders.  But also provide a safe learning environment. To possess and exhibit all of those things that America and society as a whole look at with admiration and respect.  I still grab the wheel with two hands, sit up in my driver seat and say a small prayer every time a cop pulls up behind me.  It's so fucking annoying because I don't even know if that cops deserves that kind of attention and energy from me.

How crazy is that? When that happens to me and believe me it happens way more than I'd like. One of my first thoughts after praying is, "they're probably not even thinking about me."  Call it a coincidence or my paranoia. But I see a cop car in my rear view 80% of the time I get in the car it seems. But when it happens, my second thought after my first being, "please God, not today." It is whether or not the cop even deserves the attention and energy I'm giving them.

My paranoia stems from my fear of being helpless in a situation.  The fact that law enforcement protect their own, their protected by different laws and they know it.  That kind of power and entitlement can get to anyone's head just as much as winning does in sports or celebrities in Hollywood.   It's not hard to understand why cops are killing unarmed men. The risk it seems is worth the reward for lack of a better word.  It's not really something they feel that have to think about when they go about their actions.  Even on camera their actions are later justified by someone else who sees something that no one else does because people see what they want to see.  

and that is why I'm paranoid.

- AV

Happy Mother's Day Mom

*I haven't typed out a word and I'm already getting emotional just thinking about you*

I would like to first begin this by telling you I know there is no love like the love a Mother has for her child.  I was your first born and when my life began, we started on a new journey together.  I know you must've been scared out out of your mind when I first entered into this world.  But if I know you like I think I do, your worries quickly faded when you first held me.  Of all the many things you have accomplished, being a phenomenal mother tops that list.  I've heard a lot of women say "I was born to be a mother."  I know that if that was God's purpose for you.  You have exceeded His expectations.

I remember being as young as 3 and 4 years old riding around with you everywhere you went.  You started to refer to me as "your partner." We didn't make a move without each other.  Science projects, you were there.  School plays, you were there.  A million and one basketball games, you were there. And for every girl friend I've ever had you were there to take a picture of us (LOL).  When I think about you I can't remember a time you weren't there.  In the past year I've met a quite a few people that grew up without a mother.  I think that was for a reason.  This was God's way of trying to tell me that I'm blessed beyond belief to have such a wonderful woman in my life to call Mom.

I laugh every time I listen to Luther Vandross - Power of Love.  I was 6 years old and knowing every word to this song because of how much you would listen to it in the car. (LOL).  We share a bond that is special.  We don't always see eye to eye and we've had our moments.  But at the end of the day, what has kept us close and its because of how well we know each other's hearts.  For every time I threaten to go stay with my dad when I was younger, to you having to come "discipline" me at the Boys and Girls Club and for the times where we just couldn't seem to a hold a conversation without arguing.  We both know that we walked away those things more hurt than upset every time.  You know that I love more than life itself and vice versa.  That is why our relationship is as strong as it is.

I definitely have to thank you for raising me to be a man that knows how to love and respect women.  You deserve ALL the credit for this one.  You don't have share the credit with anyone.  You always made sure I treated every girl friend I ever had with the utmost respect.  From the time I was 15 and you would had $20 and tell me to make sure I paid for her movie ticket (Oh I how I wish I had your $20 now).  I can't even count how many times you drove up and down 595 and the Turnpike to take me to go see one of them.  But what I'm most thankful for is how honest you've always been with me when it came to these matters.  Never afraid to say "You know Flaco, I think you're messing up."  I know I didn't always take heed to what you had to say, but it never went unheard.  Mostly because you speak in a tone that it hard to ignore.  But seriously, someday I'll be married and I have no doubts my wife will be your biggest fan.  Thank you for that.

Lastly, I know today in particular is hard one for you.  Abuela isn't here with us anymore and although you've been really strong about it, I know it effects you everyday.  I know you miss taking her to church and taking her grocery shopping on Sundays.  Just remember that you two were able to share your bond for 44 years.  Nobody can take that from you and now it's our turn to share ours for what I hope be a very long time.  She's still with us because I see her every time I look at you.  I just wanted to wish the both of you a Happy Mother's Day and tell you that I love you so much.  Thank you Mom, from the bottom of my heart. Thank you!

Love,

Your First Born

Chasing Something "New"...

"The grass isn't always greener on the other side..."

"Everything that glitters isn't gold..."

"Be careful what you wish for..."

These all are quotes we've heard at some point in our lives.  Sometimes in reference to a job opportunity, or perhaps some other opportunity that presents itself in our lives.  However, when I hear these quotes I think about how it relates to our relationships with a love interest.  Have you ever been in a relationship and decided to entertain someone else?  You start to feel like things are so much better with the new guy/girl.  There's no fighting, no stress and everything seems to flow so easily.  Depending on the situation there a variety of reasons for this. Every situation involves different people, personalities and circumstances.
But what is about the "something new" that we fall in love with? 

The "new" seems like they listen so much more, there are so much more attentive and much more available...

Perhaps they seem to be listening more because you are talking less.  Both of you are putting your best foot forward.  Neither one of you wants to step on the toes of the other.  So you talk less and it seems they listen more than your significant other at home.  Think about your life at home.  When you talk to your significant other do you ever ask them "How are you?"...  "How's everything going in your life?..." Or do you just care to ramble on about your own bullshit?

Maybe if you spent more time listening, they would care more about what you had to say.  There's a song by Lyfe Jennings in which he says, "Anybody can be good at talking, try being good at listening."  That is one of my favorite one liners of all-time.  Communication has always been important to me in any relationship.  Whether it was with a girl friend, coach or employer.  Having a open means of communication helps the relationship grow and a real understanding begins to surface when communication is a common practice in a relationship.

When it comes to attention and availability, think back to when you and your significant other first started talking.  The "Good morning text" would spark a full day of conversing.  Whether it is through text, email or actual phone conversations like in the good ol' days.  We've gotten so far removed from actually speaking to one another that it's a crying shame.  But I digress.  The point I was making is that the both of you made the time and effort it took to build on something. And now you find yourself growing apart from them.  This to me simple math.  The more time you spend talking to the "new" is time taken away from the one at home.  There's really no other way of putting that.

The reason they seem so available is because you actually have someone at home that you have to spend time with and entertaining as well.  So the "new" doesn't have to be free 24/7.  I'd be a lot more willing to give my time to if I only had to give it in spurts.  Don't confused what you're getting from the "new" with what you're not getting from your significant other.  More often than not you're contributing to the problem.

Don't confuse settling with just wanting something new...


One of the more common reasons we branch off looking for that greener grass is because we convince ourselves we deserve better.  There is no such thing as a perfect person and it is that very reason it is impossible to have a perfect relationship.  You are going to lack something in every relationship you enter into.  It is your prerogative to decide what you are and aren't willing to be without.  But before you do that you have to real with yourself too.  Which has proven to be one of the hardest things for anyone to do.  But once you've done you looked yourself in the mirror and you can be honest about what you bring to the table.  That is when you can make a rational decision as what you feel your significant other should bring with them.

Relationships are hard work.  Anyone who tells you different has no fucking clue what they are talking about.  You can tell them that Cecil Avant said so.  You're not going to be happy all day, everyday.  You're going to get bored sometimes, you're not going to like everything they say or do.  But at the end of the day, if you love your significant other and you can't live without them.  Then those are the things that are going to have to matter less and less. 

There is ALWAYS, I'll say this again for emphasis... ALWAYS going to be someone who looks better than the one you are with.  If you can't get that though your head right now then you're a lost cause.  You will be a very lonely person, always looking for the next fat ass or nice body that makes itself seen.  I read a quote today by one of my friends and it said "Real men don't love the most beautiful girl in the world, they love the girl who can make their world the most beautiful."  This will escape many of you.  But the older and wiser you get the more this quote becomes a fixture in your love life.  Chasing something new gets old real quick.  After awhile you just want someone who loves and appreciates for who you are. And not just the person you were when you put your best foot forward.  But the person you are on your worst day!


Don't open that Pandora's Box...

I'll get personal and speak from experience on this one.  I was in a relationship a few years ago and things were going really well.  I was happy with her and we had no real problems to speak of. Anyhow, I was at a party one night and ended up meeting a woman through a friend.  We exchanged pleasantries and that was pretty much the end of it. Or so I thought.  We went our separate ways.  The next day I received a text from a random number that read "Hi this is so and so and it was really nice to meet you last night."  I can't lie, I was flattered that she had gone out of her way to get my number and reach me.  I expressed to her that it was nice meeting her as well.  She proceeded to text me.  I should have stopped her right then and there and explained to her I was in a relationship. But I didn't and allowed this charade to continue.
 
She never asked if I was dating someone and I didn't feel the need to offer up the information.  We decided to go see a movie and hang out.  That lead to more dates which eventually lead to sex.  I was officially a "cheating bastard."  We never discussed being together or any like that.  We were just enjoying each other's company.  One day out of the blue I decided I didn't want to be in a relationship and ended things with my girl friend. I realized that all the time and energy I was putting into the other chick was effecting how I felt about my relationship.  I was neglecting my girl friend, our relationship and everything we had built just so I can entertain something new.
Needless to say after I broke with my girl friend, the other woman and I slowly drifted apart and we never spoke again.

I know had I never decided to entertain the other woman and kept my ass at home things would have been much different.  Not to say we'd still be together, but another woman would not have been the reason for our relationship not working out.  I was guilty of opening Pandora's Box and I learned a lot from that experience.  I left something good, for something new and ended up with nothing.

If you find yourself in love and not being able to live without the one you are with.  My advice to you is to keep your time, energy and love with them.  Everything that glitters really isn't gold.  Trust yourself and the commitment you've made to your significant other and your relationship.  Its not always going to be perfect but you can't put a price on having someone by your side that loves you for who you are.  This isn't to say that everything will always workout if you take heed to this blog post.  Shit happens and we can't control a lot of what goes around us.  But the things we can control we need to make sure we approach with a passion and love because in the end there is no where else to place the blame.


1 Love
AV

Honeymoon Phase: Make It Last Forever

Pessimist

"Honeymoon lasts not nowadays above a fortnight..." -SAMUEL RICHARDSON, Clarissa

"A honeymoon is a short period of doting between dating and debting..."- RAY BANDY, Little Giant Encyclopedia of Wedding Toasts

"Honeymoons don't last forever..." -LAILA HALABY, West of the Jordan


Optimist

"Tom and I will always be in our honeymoon phase..."  -Katie Holmes

"It was just that we had this phenomenal honeymoon relationship that just kept on going..."  -James Levine

Truth


"The honeymoon is over when she starts wondering what happened to the man she married, and he starts wondering what happened to the girl he didn't."


"The honeymoon is over when he phones he'll be late again for dinner, and she has already left a note that it's in the refrigerator."



We've all been there.  All the late night phone calls, the all day texting/bbming/emailing back and forth.  Your phone goes off and you instantly begin to smile when their name comes across the screen.  You think about them all day because that's all you know how to do.  Things that usually would bother you, you begin to careless about because of how they make you feel.  When you begin to think about your future you see them in it and you envision what life would be like with them five or ten years from now.  Lastly, there's that constant thought of them when you first wake up and right before you go to bed.  What I just described is known to many as the "honeymoon phase".

My question to you is why does it have to be a phase?  All of sudden the real world hits us and we lose all sense of romance, butterflies in our stomach and forget what it was once like.  Relationships take work to succeed just like anything else in life.  But work can also be fun.  When we start to hit a rough patch in our relationships we begin to think about all the things that are wrong and why we're not as happy as we used to be.  We start to nit pick at things that aren't really there and amplify the the smaller things that are.  We completely lose sight of the good times and what we did to get there.  What you don't realize is that even the "honeymoon phase" took work while it was going on.  But you enjoyed working so much that you didn't see it as such.  Its important to keep the fun and romance alive in your relationship.  You have to look forward to waking up and going to work in your relationship.

One of the bigger mistakes we make is when we open ourselves to the possibility of being with other people.  Sometimes this happens without us even realizing it before its too late.  We're spending more time talking to our friend than your significant other.  Spending more time on social networks getting to know others more than we are enjoying the company of the one we are with.  The innocent lunch dates and phone conversations start to turn into innocent flirting.  Before we know it we find ourselves engaged in activity that is no longer innocent or harmless,  but instead is detrimental to our relationship and we've opened up Pandora's Box.  All that time we've spent talking to someone else was time we could have been spending working on our own relationship.  We've given up on our "honeymoon phase".

The "honeymoon phase" does not have to be a phase at all.  It can last as long we want it to.  I feel like we've been mislead into believing that relationships don't last 30, 40 and 50 years anymore.  That mentality will have you old, lonely and bitter.  There is someone for everyone.  The day you give up on love and long lasting relationships is the day that person that was for you will eventually walk out of your life and into someone else's.

I am a firm believer in: What you put into life is what you'll get back from life.  If you half ass your relationship and spend all your time elsewhere.  Then you should expect your relationship to falter.  But if both, you and your significant are ready and willing to keep your relationship strong, keep your romance alive and always remember to have fun and enjoy each other no matter what.  There is no reason you can't make your honeymoon last forever.

As I'm beginning to wrap up this blog post Monica's - Before you Walk Out My Life comes on Pandora radio. 

"Never meant to cause you no pain. I just wanna GO BACK to being the same.  Well I, only wanna make things right.  Before you walk out of my life"


1Love
AV

The Rebound

What the fuck do I look like your "rebound"?  We've all been involved in this situation one way or the other.  You were either the rebound or rebounder. Being the rebounder is the easiest of the two.  You pretty much just catch the first good thing you see coming.  However, the one who is actually the "rebound" usually doesn't even see you coming and by the time you scoop them up its too damn late.  They are right in your hands and the only way they're going anywhere is if you yourself decided to let them go.  In your heart you know letting them go is the right thing to do.  You know you're in no position to be entertaining someone who may quite possibly fall for you.  You don't have what it takes mentally, physically or emotionally to give them what they deserve.  So why does the rebounder hold on to the rebound so long?

When you've been hurt and have had your heart torn to pieces you begin to embrace anything to help you smile and feel whole again.  I'm not saying you go looking for a new significant other or someone to date.  BUT, when someone happens to just pop into your life and shows you what it is to smile again or perhaps sheds some light on the fact that maybe not all men/women are the same you embrace them.  But while the rebounder is busy embracing the rebound, recovering from their recent heartbreak and putting the pieces of their life back together.  The rebound is falling for them.  There are some instances which the rebounder goes out of their way to actually let the rebound know the situation.  Now naturally you would think that if someone knows they're the rebound they would run from the situation.  Quite the contrary.  When someone is made aware they are the rebound, there is this sense of "want to" that takes over.  The rebound wants to show the rebounder that they can love them past all the heartache and pain.  The rebound wants to show them that they aren't that other person.  But the majority of the time that whole plan tends to backfire.

While you, the rebound is busy trying to prove to the rebounder that not all men/women are the same they are slowly starting to believe it or least entertaining the thought.  But what they are not entertaining is that YOU are that man or woman.  You have become a stepping stone in their recovery process.  You're just helping them to feel like they can love again in due time.  You're making them feel good about themselves, like it wasn't them that fucked up their last relationship, but that it was the other person.  Everybody wants to feel like they weren't the cause of a break-up.  It makes the recovery process easier to deal with when you can point the finger.  So what happens when they're ready to get out and date again?  They may actually give you, the rebound a chance.  But that chance being given is a little skewed.  You see up until now you've been a really good friend.  You've been there for them in the time of need and they are grateful for you.  Their gratification may lead to the start of a relationship.  I'm not saying that the rebound never gets the rebounder.  That would just be a naive statement to make.   Things happen and people fall in love.  But when you put yourself in a position where you have become such a good friend.  Most people try to avoid ruining the friendship by not dating at all.  So now you're in the friend zone with what maybe be your own broken heart but you were hoping for something more.

I'm not here to discourage anyone from becoming the rebound.  I've been there done and that and its had a different outcome each time.  I'm simply here to shed some light on the situation and encourage you to proceed with caution if it happens to you.  Trust yourself above all else.  If you feel like you cant do that then its probably in your best interest to steer clear of becoming the rebound.  If you can't trust yourself and your emotions you're just setting yourself up for heartache.  Try to be as rational as possible.  You have to know the rebounder's situation in its entirety if possible in order to really make an educated decision.  If you don't happen to know everything then just do what you feel in your best interest.  Just make sure you're aware of the ramifications of your actions.

"Being the rebound can be a bitch.  But if caught by the right rebounder it can lead to two points..." - AV Quotes

1Love
AV

The Dream or The Perfect Reality?

When we are dreaming alone it is only a dream. When we are dreaming with others, it is the beginning of reality. -- Dom Helder Camara


As I laid in my bed tonight tossing and turning.  I decided to wave the white flag in my battle with insomnia.  I then proceeded to turn on the tv and like most nights at midnight there wasn't a damn thing to watch.  So I went to my old reliable HBO On Demand and started watching reruns of Sex and the City (if you know me then you know this is the norm and if you don't know, now you know nigga *Biggie Voice*).  Interestingly enough that lead me to my computer and got me to thinking.  We often say that we can't help who we fall in love with.  Well if that is the case and we absolutely believe that.  Then my question to you is, What if you fell in love with someone that didn't want all the same things you wanted out of life.  Marriage, Children, etc...  With us living in a world that we have had convinced ourselves that love is scarce and Mr. and Mrs. Right are one in million.  Could we really walk away from the dream in order to experience the perfect reality?

I have a friend who is very adamant about not wanting to get married.  She's not against spending her life with a man but marriage just isn't on her bucket list by any means.  When I look at myself the only thing I've ever wanted to do in my life besides play professional basketball and open up a Boys and Girls Club is to start a family of my own.  Be married and have some kids.  Share a life with them and experience fatherhood and being a husband.  What if you fell in love with someone who didn't want all the things you've ever wanted?  What if I happen to fall in love with someone like my friend who didn't want to get married.  Could I give that up for the sake of our love?  I honestly do not know the answer to that.  Part of me feels like if I did flat out know the answer then that would be a mistake in itself.  That would make me a close minded person and that it something I pride myself on not being.  Is comprising the right thing to do in such a situation or is it best to break your ties  with that person and allow each other to find what each of you is really looking for?

I was in a relationship in which the woman and I happen to be in two different places in our lives.  Although we both wanted the same things, our timing couldn't have been worst.  I was still in school trying to attain my bachelor's degree in Sports Management while she had already started her career, she was living alone and had been for some time.  She was also looking to settle down and start a family.  Not to mention our relationship was a long distance.  From the outside looking people say things like "If you two really loved each other you could have made it work" or "She would've waited for you if she loved you."  But I don't know how much I lean towards that skewed perception of the situation.  Life and time are two things that don't wait for us.  So how exactly are we supposed to wait on it?  When we decided to end things I wasn't bitter because I felt like she should have waited for me.  I understood her dilemma completely.  She had a dream and she felt it was still well within grasp.  Who was I to ask her to come live in the not so perfect reality with me, together, forever.  Was she my Mrs. Right? *smirks* I don't know the answer to that.  Maybe she was or maybe she was just someone I needed to come along and open my eyes to something I hadn't experienced.  Nonetheless, she is an amazing woman I pray she finds all she's ever dreamed of and more.

At the end of the day, I guess it all boils down to the dream or the perfect reality.  Some people die chasing their dreams.  While others dream chase never forgetting to slow down to wake up and enjoy their perfect reality. 

1Love
AV

Single... Do YOU!

Single -only one in number; one only; unique; sole

"Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free till they find someone just as wild to run with them." - Sex and the City

Someone asked me to write about the single life and the balances between females having their fun and going over board.  I can't speak for women, but I will speak for both men and women in general.  A lot people are surprised by the fact that I'm a fan of Sex and the City.  To me not only is the show entertaining but insightful.  How often do men get to listen and observe women without them being creeped out or unaware of it.  I take the time to educate myself while being entertained at the same time.  If you ask me the show should be on PBS its so damn educational.  Unfortunately, us men don't take the time to learn and are too busy worrying about what our boys would think about us watching SATC.  In the words of Clark Gable, "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

I've often said that I'm not built for the single life.  When taking out of context that statement makes me seem needy or that I may have self dependency issues.  To be quite honest I used to struggle with believing I did myself.  But I've grown to realize there's nothing wrong with preferring to have that one person in my life.  My personality enjoys tending to a woman's needs and having that special someone in my life to share it with.  But I'm also one of the pickiest individuals known to man.  It doesn't stem from a physical aspect as much as it does compatibility.  I enjoy having the flexibility with someone that I can laugh with, talk about life and have that chemistry with.  But enough about me. Let me get into this blog.

To me trying to balance fun and boundaries while being single is one's personal choice.  There is no right or wrong way to be single.  There' no handbook called "Single for Dummies" and if there is the son of a bitch who wrote it is stealing money.  Boundaries are set at the discretion of yourself.  But what you must keep in mind is that all your actions will be followed by reactions and consequences.  There are all kinds of single people out there.  Some are are single and ready to mingle, others are single and have no intention of dating and just working on themselves and some are single and just blowing in the wind and if something good comes knocking then they may answer.  What kind of single are you?

For the record despite what ignorant people choose to talk and tweet about.  Having a casual relationship with a man does not make you a ho ladies.  The men who hold claim to this ignorant ass statement are exactly the men you should avoid.  Two adults who decide that casually dating is what works for them and have the respect for one another doesn't make them hos.  Although he may respect you, I caution you to understand that your actions may sometimes come with a price.  If you open yourself up to a casual relationship with a man he maybe hard pressed to want to see you exclusively.  So just be aware of that before entering into such a relationship.  Women attract men with the bait you dangle at us.  If you dangle casual relationship and he bites.  There's a good chance he wont let go and grab the exclusive title if you try dangling that later.  Just something to think about.

Again boundaries are set by you.  Don't allow others to dictate how you choose to live your single life.  I do however feel its important you respect yourself.  If you are at the peace with who you are when you go to sleep at night then fuck what anyone else has to say about it.  But if you're not and you feel your actions are unbecoming then address it and change it.  Just remember that all your actions come with a reaction.  You can't always control others reactions but you can always control your own.  So if you're single, be single and do you or someone else.  It doesn't matter.  Just do what you feel comfortable with and be true to yourself. 

1Love
AV