I'd like to preface this post by saying that I firmly believe that not all cops are bad. I'd also like to point out that it's obvious not all people are bad so me having to preface any of this is in part due to my paranoia.
While the topic of race as slowly turned me into race debate apologist. I must point out I am a 29 year old, black male, who lives in South Florida. I hate how much race is dominating conversation during a time where we have a new generation 60 years remove segregated restaurants and bathrooms and following a 2 year term by our first black president. This kids don't give a fuck about race. But I digress and it's too early for that.
In my 29 years I've had my share of encounters with the police. Some warranted (when I say warranted I mean I committed a traffic violation) and some unsolicited interactions that left me feeling some type of way, paranoid. I always left each interaction having more questions than answers. Was I really speeding? Did I not stop long enough at the stop sign? Just trying to give whomever the officer was the benefit of the doubt. To me, I can't live in a world knowing I create the world around me, that allows me to believe that I'm really being pulled over because of my pigmentation. I refuse to believe that shit. But, it doesn't make me any less paranoid.
I feel as human beings we are products of our environment whether we like it or not. That isn't to say we can't deviate from the norms of the environment or perhaps even influence change within it. But in order to deviate from norms or influence change, there was still something within our environment that causes us to do so. The circumstances within our environment either motivate us to get out, get comfortable or break us. Why does any of this shit matter? Well, perception becomes reality. The more we see something the more real it becomes, to us.
So as a young black male with a lack of criminal history, a college degree and a career that requires that I not only educate our future leaders. But also provide a safe learning environment. To possess and exhibit all of those things that America and society as a whole look at with admiration and respect. I still grab the wheel with two hands, sit up in my driver seat and say a small prayer every time a cop pulls up behind me. It's so fucking annoying because I don't even know if that cops deserves that kind of attention and energy from me.
How crazy is that? When that happens to me and believe me it happens way more than I'd like. One of my first thoughts after praying is, "they're probably not even thinking about me." Call it a coincidence or my paranoia. But I see a cop car in my rear view 80% of the time I get in the car it seems. But when it happens, my second thought after my first being, "please God, not today." It is whether or not the cop even deserves the attention and energy I'm giving them.
My paranoia stems from my fear of being helpless in a situation. The fact that law enforcement protect their own, their protected by different laws and they know it. That kind of power and entitlement can get to anyone's head just as much as winning does in sports or celebrities in Hollywood. It's not hard to understand why cops are killing unarmed men. The risk it seems is worth the reward for lack of a better word. It's not really something they feel that have to think about when they go about their actions. Even on camera their actions are later justified by someone else who sees something that no one else does because people see what they want to see.
and that is why I'm paranoid.
- AV
